Water flows around her fingers and the sun is burning her back now, she can feel it burning her back now how long has she been at it now and for how much longer? There was a time when she could go on forever but that was long ago. Continue. Past the point where you can make it back. But do turn back, be on the way back. Just in case it doesn’t work out. Don’t want the taint falling onto them. Need to leave a shadow of doubt. And so turn back, but not in. Parallel. Perhaps unseen a boat will strike hope to God it happens quickly. No pain. Blood is okay if I don’t see it, don’t feel it. Big boat let it be let it happen in an instant. And before the sunburn starts kicking in, before the sunburn hurts. Drowning preferred. Said to be like falling asleep. Better if I could just fall asleep. If I could just fall asleep. Still I was a champion. Hear them now. What got into her? Finally putting two and two together. All that time on the porch, staring at the ocean.“She’s getting creepy in her old age,” and “took it much harder than I expected.” “What?” “Selling the house.” “No. Mother. She wanted to bring mother here, so she could die here.” Yes that is true perhaps but no mother was too old and well they are the ones in misery that can’t forgive themselves for. They have to live with it. Long swims. Out past the jetty and back. Hear him now. “She had a death wish, that one. Nothing we could have done about it in the end.” Just like him. And her: “Perhaps. We could have done a better job reading the signs.” Perhapses and Signs. She is oh so good a Perhapses and Signs. “Oh come on don’t blame yourself.” Certainly no chance of that ever happening. Not in his case. Certainly no chance at all.
Music now. Hear music now. Isn’t is supposed to be light white light. And a figure. Mother perhaps emerging from this light and calling me home. Isn’t that the way it is supposed to work? Intermittent. As I come up for air. Boat. From a boat. Perhaps that is it. Perhaps this is the one which will run me down. How many are there? Wave. Don’t miss a beat. Obviously know exactly what I am doing. Wave. High sign. Thumbs up. Yes they are impressed until they see it on the news. Could it be? Same one? Must be. No. Gone now. Must look better than I thought, stronger than I thought. Look better than I feel. Conditioning. Spite. The challenge. Nothing to lose by going on. Nothing whatsoever to lose. Just me on the sea. The occasional boat. A shout passing over the ocean. Breath in air, and sound. Soon water. Salt. Thinking ought to speed it along. Thinking takes energy, doesn’t it? Perhaps.